How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse — and Take the First Steps Toward Freedom

Fact #1: It’s Definitely Not You

One study found narcissists often turn to abuse when their authority is challenged or when they fear losing their “narcissistic supply.”

Understanding their motivations can help you predict and navigate their behavior. “When someone starts to see the pattern, they realize it has nothing to do with them,” says Dr. Zuckerman. Recognizing this is the first step toward reclaiming your power.

Fact #2: Recognizing Narcissistic Personality Disorder Matters

You don’t need a formal diagnosis to justify leaving a toxic relationship. You can leave a relationship you’re not happy in for any reason, Dr. Zuckerman notes.

However, understanding narcissistic abuse can provide clarity and empowerment. “Unless [a survivor] understands narcissism, they will be thrown off-kilter by the illogical antics and attacks of the narcissistic individual,” says Tina Swithin, author of Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle.

Fact #3: Freedom Usually Starts With Small Steps 

Leaving a narcissist safely requires strategy. Here are the first three steps:

• Step #1: Find a therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse. A therapist who has helped people leave before can guide you out the door. Check their professional profile to see if they list narcissism abuse as a specialty area.
• Step #2: Access survivor support groups. Narcissists are experts at making you think everything’s your fault, or that you “made them do it”—so people abused by them can end up blaming themselves. Support groups can help you rebuild self-esteem and gain clarity.
• Step #3: Seek legal help if needed. If you are married to this person, start figuring out the legal process. “There are divorce consultants who help people leave abusive relationships with narcissists,” says Dr. Zuckerman. (Swithin trains such coaches.)

LifeWire, a domestic violence survivor advocacy group, can link you up with legal advocates who can help you obtain protection orders, file for divorce, and even navigate immigration issues. In addition, you can access pro bono resources via the American Bar Association.

Fact #4: To Stay Safe, You Need a Plan

Leaving an abuser can escalate the risk of harm. Create a safety plan with help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Key tips:

• Memorize a trusted friend’s phone number.
• Keep essential items like IDs and health insurance cards at hand.
• Use a code word to alert someone if you’re in danger by text or phone.
• Mix up your daily routine, such as how you drive and where you park.

“You know your situation better than anyone else; trust your judgment and weigh your options before taking any steps,” advises The National Domestic Violence Hotline. 

Fact #5: It’s Essential to Block, Delete, and Go Dark

Once you’ve left, minimize contact. Block them on social media and change your phone number. Use apps like OurFamilyWizard for necessary communication, such as co-parenting.

Dr. Zuckerman explains that court-ordered apps hold narcissists accountable because a judge is monitoring every interaction.

Fact #6: Winning Sometimes Means Letting Go

Fighting every battle with a narcissist can drain you emotionally and financially. “I started my new chapter post-separation with $178 to my name,” says Swithin. “I had [to accept that] my energy was better spent rebuilding my life than trying to prove that he was hiding money and evading his responsibility.” 

Fact #7: It Will Likely Take Time to Leave

Leaving a narcissistic partner often takes multiple attempts. “It may take seven or eight,” Dr. Zuckerman says. “But it’s absolutely possible to leave. It’s absolutely possible to heal, to disconnect from them. And it’s possible to find healthy relationships afterward.” 

Be kind to yourself and remember: This isn’t your fault. You deserve a life free from fear and full of healthy relationships.

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